Recently I had a discussion with one of my friend who is an advocate and a family councilor. Since he deal with many cases I thought of asking him how important is past affair in married life.

He told me that there were many divorce cases because of past affairs.  I am taking a case here.

Raju got married to Ramya one year back and recently got divorced on a mutual understanding. They lived together for just 2 months.  He met me after getting divorce, he said ‘its over, that was a really bad experience and now I will never marry.’  I thought of having a detailed analysis of what had happened.

They both work in IT field, both of them are programmers. They studied in Bangalore and got an opportunity to work with a leading IT companies there. Raju had a mind that he will marry someone who is educated within her home town and not working. But his family had another view; ultimately he had to compromise and got married to Ramya.

I know there are many stories of people working in IT field, especially about girls, some believe it and some does not. Some have experience and some do not have. But, boys always say that they had or have girl friends even if they do not have. They believe that if they say no, will loose credibility-something missing.

Raju had an idea of discussing everything before getting married, but did not find time for that because of hectic schedule. They got married without having detailed discussions. After marriage they started discussing.

By discussing many things Ramya asked once whether Raju had any relationship. He said, “Yes when I was in college, but it was in same age, so after 3 years of affair we decided to part”. The same question he had for Ramya, she also came with such a story.  When I had a word with both, they had different views. Raju said, ‘it was a joke, but she took it very seriously’ the same was Ramya’s opinion.

They did not try to discuss further and resolve this issue. After 2 months of married life, one day Ramya decided to go to her house and to get divorce.

My Advocate friend and I too tried our level best to rejoin them, but Ramya had a clear view, she said “It was a joke, I knew it and I have taken in that sense only, but Raju have taken it very seriously and he was trying neglecting me, which I could not afford. I need a companion, a partner, who could love me, understand me, but Raju cannot.”

Two young professionals decided to part by breaking their marriage bond. But, who was wrong there? Boys always have a mind that my partner should be perfect even if I had some relationship no issues but she shouldn’t have such relations.  Most of the boys live in illusion, whatever they hear cannot be true.  Even though sometimes they believe it, some come with exaggerated stories.

So my advice to those who get married, please avoid your past. Past is passed and it will never affect you unless until you have done something wrong. Try to live in the presence. Please avoid discussing your past. There are many things to discuss in your life, think about your future.

Happy Married life.

image: http://www.tressugar.com

This was news published in a Malayalam daily today. It happened in Thiruvanathapuram the capital of Kerala.

Synopsis: It was the occasion of a marriage, where the bride and groom reached, groom was waiting for bride, and she suddenly turned to her lover and asked her parents to bless. Relatives of bride got violent and tried to man handle the lover but the intervention of locals saved him, ultimately police came, they have taken both the bride and her lover. And she decided to go with her lover.

Certainly, it was hot news for the media, the girl satisfied with since she got her lover. But some question mark remains.

• Was it the right way to put it by the girl?
• What about the family, since they lost their face
• What about the boy (groom) who came to marry her with lots of dreams expectations etc?

I am not sure whether the family was aware about her love affair, if yes it was wrong to compel her to marry another person. If they were not… I don’t see anything wrong in their action.

For that girl, she had enough ways to convey her wish. Why did she wait for the last moment?  She could have told this to her family, if they opposed she had another option to tell her would be…I do not know whether she have done it or not. If yes, I will stand along with her saying she was right. Otherwise, no she was absolutely wrong.

Now, we need to think about the entire situation. We are living in a most civilized era, people moving towards western culture. Still there are people living with ancient ideologies. It supposed to be changed.

The boy, who suppose to get marry should have enquired about the girl, at least he could have had a discussion with her…. I am uncertain whether they have done it. My only advice to people those who are going to get marry is ‘discuss everything’. I have a topic in this blog about the things one suppose to discuss…. Have a look …. Be happy.

It happened to read a nice topic on relationship recently, would like to share the same with you, This topic is from WebMD

Relationship Problem: Trust
Trust is an essential part of a relationship. Are there certain behaviors that are causing you to not trust your partner, or do you have unresolved issues that are hindering you from trusting others?

Problem-solving strategies: You and your partner can develop trust in each other by following these tips, suggested by Fay.

• Be consistent.
• Be on time.
• Do what you say you will do.
• Don’t lie — not even little white lies, to your partner or to others.
• Be fair, even in an argument.
• Be sensitive to the other’s feelings. You can still disagree but don’t discount how your partner is feeling.
• Call when you say you will.
• Call to say you’ll be home late.
• Carry your fair share of the workload.
• Don’t overreact when things go wrong.
• Never say things you can’t take back.
• Don’t dig up old wounds.
• Respect your partner’s boundaries.
• Don’t be jealous.
• Be a good listener.

Please visit www.webmd.com for more

image: http://floracounseling.org

It is a real story of my friend. Manoj got married to Sanitha 6 months ago. They got divorce recently.

Since I closely watch each divorce cases in my friend circle, I had a detailed discussion about how he reached in a conclusion and decide to have divorce.

They got married in a highly profiled way, people talk about ‘money matters’ especially in India, (there is a law-but who follows…). He got huge money since he has better qualification, job, and financial background.

Sanitha is very beautiful, creates some sort of jealousy in every man…

The history of 5 months married life was something like this: the very first night he did not try to have sex, since he was tired so she was because of travelling and other functions. The very next day he tried to have sex with her, but could not succeed, since she was not interested. It was deadly for him; he tried for a week, but she always says some thing or other and avoids him. At last he decided to take her out of home. As a honeymoon trip they went to Ooty.

But he could not succeed, he even tried to force, but could not succeed.

They were living and did not say a word to others, Sanitha was good with his parents, they loved her very much. She used to have control of everything. If someone watches them from outside, it was a really good and fruitful life of someone’s anticipation or hallucination?

Finally he decided to take her to a psychologist, he fixed an appointment with one of the best person in the field, I know him and used to have talks/discussions in various topics.

It was shocking to hear that Sanitha was something different and she believed sex is something wrong and it should be done only when they wish to have a child, sex is only for that. (Manoj had a planning vision).

For about six months they lived as husband and wife but not as husband and wife. Sex may be a bond between husband and wife. The intensity may differ from time to time and person to person. It is essential in every married life, Sanitha had this vision just because of her parents, it is good to give ‘sex education’ but should not be a wrong way.

Manoj and Sanitha are equally losers; they have decided to live alone. She need to change her mind may be she requires psychoanalysis.

She was a victim of unknown sex education. Every parent/teachers should give adequate information about sex in schools and home. Life of Manoj and Sanitha were terrible. No one may want it….

image: http://www.skelton.co.za

Recently, I met one of my friends who married 1 year back and got divorce just a month back. We had a discussion about the circumstances of divorce. He said he had a clear vision about married life before marriage; he was looking for a girl who should take care of his parents and look after house holds. But he got married with a working girl and she was not willing to leave her job. They started arguing each other and ended it in a divorce.

I asked him whether he discussed about his vision before marriage. I was told that he did not get time for that.

These types of marriages are common now, without proper understanding and discussions. But what are the necessary things we should discuss. I would like to put little light on that.

1)  Purpose of Marriage

Why should I get married now? Just because parents compel, looking for a companion for parents, looking for someone to look after household? Or there is no reason. Both boy and girl should discuss about it and understand the approach and decide whether to get into this relationship or not.

2)  Likes & dislikes

It is important to know each others’ likes and dislikes. In most of the love marriages likes are discussed so often, but dislikes are not touched. They only realize after marriage that both of them have some dislikes and may not be in a position to accept it and it can lead to create a gap in relationship. So discuss every likes & dislikes before marriage and decide.

3)  Our home

It is common that girl come to boy’s home after marriage. The day she enters there it becomes her house.  Normally, girl supposes to look after other family members other than her husband.  It is very important to have a discussion about it especially in the working class.

4)  Family Relationship

Both boy and girl live with their parents before marriage. The characteristics of parents will have impact on their character. So it is important to have discussion about parents and other family members, the way they interact with each other, the intensity of relationship. This will give a clear picture about the living culture of both girl and boy. Thus a decision can be taken whether the girl would be a fit to boy’s family and vice versa.

5)  Discuss Everything

It is important to discuss everything for a better and smooth married life and it will eradicate misunderstanding, which is the main reason for divorces in most cases. If you have something in your mind should be discussed, otherwise there is no other way to convey the same. There should be a custom that both husband and wife spend little time everyday for discussions. Both the boy and girl should know opinion of each other and decide to have such discussions. This practice can be introduced even before marriage by discussing things, disputes any.

6)  Personal

Every person in this universe will have at least one friend. Both boy and girl may have lot friends before marriage and it is common that boy keep his friendship intact while girl rarely get some chance to keep their friendships, because girl migrate to husband’s house. It is important to have a discussion about friendship, and most important that girl should discuss if she have some male friends. If she wish to meet her friends, or friends come to her home, these things should be discussed before marriage.

7)  Money Matters

I have seen in most of the families, husband spend money for everything, even in working class, wife normally give her salary to husband. It is important to discuss who should spend for what. For example, for house hold expenses wife can spend, some amount can be kept with her if she has some personal buys. This can be discussed and reach in a decision before marriage.

8)  Sex

Sex is most important for a happy and everlasting married life. One should discuss about views & approach before marriage.

9)  Children

There are lot of discussion happen after marriage that, ‘I need a boy child’ ‘no girl child’ ‘need only one’ ‘no, two’. Boy or girl can not be discussed since it can not be controlled by us. So a decision on how many children should have can be taken.

10)  Spiritual Matters

It is important to understand the spiritual believes, whether he/she is a deep follower or not. Suppose a girl or boy who visit church/temple regularly marry a girl/boy who does not have such habits lead to develop distrust. So discuss this matter and decide whether to engage in.

It may not be possible to discuss all the points and take a decision in this fast forward life. But one should keep these points and discuss which will add quality to relationship and will have an everlasting married life. All the best!

A reference was given in may article Why Divorce?

This is a published article in Malayalam (MyMatrimony Magazine of www.malayogamonline.com)

Image credit: www.indianmarriage.info

No one have a clear idea when did the first divorce happen in the world? But history suggests that divorce existed in the ancient civilization too.  As per record most of the divorces happen in Sweden (54.9%) US (54.8%) have the second position. India have only 1.1 percentage, but compared to other nation we need to consider our population too.

Why couples get divorced so often? There are certain things we should discuss to reach in a conclusion.

 1)      The ways to get married.

 a)     Arranged Marriage

Most of the marriages happen in this way, it is the most preferred way of getting married.  In an arranged marriage there are advantages and disadvantages.

Advantage: they have the family support

Disadvantage: They don’t get enough time to know each other before marriage.

 If you keep a mirror far away from you, you may not see you perfectly. So I believe both the girl and boy should get some time to understand each other. Understand; observe the qualities, abilities, and approach to life, strength and weaknesses then decide. Both the families should encourage it.

 In my view this can be called an ‘arranged love marriage’

 One should understand that both boy and girl are coming from different situations, living standards and decide to live together. So compromise is necessary.

 b)    Love Marriage

I believe, there are lots of troubles in this category. Most of the divorces happen in this category, because they are in blind love before marriage. They only realize and observe the real strength, weakness, and qualities after marriage. Then they criticize each other.

 Both of them argue with some points like ‘I thought you like it’ ‘you never told me’ etc.

 We consider the mirror once again. If you keep the mirror so close to you, you may not be able to see you properly.

 Most of the cases they do not have family support, this is the major disadvantage.

 There are lots of cases where the marriage is long lasting and fruitful, because they discuss each other, understand well and compromise.

 2)      Pressure in working class

Now a days, most of the girls are educated and working. So trouble increases. Girls often think that they can live independently. This contributes a little to divorce.

 Implications

Implication is so severe if they have children. Their life is going to be miserable. In most of the divorce cases Men and Women decide to marry again. So the life of their child with step father/mother may not be smoother. There are lots of cases, where the child leave their home and come to street, just because they could not survive with. At least think about the life of your children.

 Conclusion

Consider propelling a boat, if you are rowing it alone, you may go ahead as you wish. But consider two people are rowing it together. The rhythm should be same; otherwise it will not go smoothly. People those who are married should understand it and apply a common rhythm. 

Understand, compromise is necessary, discuss every matter if there is any conflict. So happy married life. Say no to divorce. 

PS: I have written an article ’10 things you should discuss before marriage’ in a Malayalam magazine. I will have the English version at a later time.