Posts Tagged divorce

It is a real story of my friend. Manoj got married to Sanitha 6 months ago. They got divorce recently.

Since I closely watch each divorce cases in my friend circle, I had a detailed discussion about how he reached in a conclusion and decide to have divorce.

They got married in a highly profiled way, people talk about ‘money matters’ especially in India, (there is a law-but who follows…). He got huge money since he has better qualification, job, and financial background.

Sanitha is very beautiful, creates some sort of jealousy in every man…

The history of 5 months married life was something like this: the very first night he did not try to have sex, since he was tired so she was because of travelling and other functions. The very next day he tried to have sex with her, but could not succeed, since she was not interested. It was deadly for him; he tried for a week, but she always says some thing or other and avoids him. At last he decided to take her out of home. As a honeymoon trip they went to Ooty.

But he could not succeed, he even tried to force, but could not succeed.

They were living and did not say a word to others, Sanitha was good with his parents, they loved her very much. She used to have control of everything. If someone watches them from outside, it was a really good and fruitful life of someone’s anticipation or hallucination?

Finally he decided to take her to a psychologist, he fixed an appointment with one of the best person in the field, I know him and used to have talks/discussions in various topics.

It was shocking to hear that Sanitha was something different and she believed sex is something wrong and it should be done only when they wish to have a child, sex is only for that. (Manoj had a planning vision).

For about six months they lived as husband and wife but not as husband and wife. Sex may be a bond between husband and wife. The intensity may differ from time to time and person to person. It is essential in every married life, Sanitha had this vision just because of her parents, it is good to give ‘sex education’ but should not be a wrong way.

Manoj and Sanitha are equally losers; they have decided to live alone. She need to change her mind may be she requires psychoanalysis.

She was a victim of unknown sex education. Every parent/teachers should give adequate information about sex in schools and home. Life of Manoj and Sanitha were terrible. No one may want it….

image: http://www.skelton.co.za

Recently, I met one of my friends who married 1 year back and got divorce just a month back. We had a discussion about the circumstances of divorce. He said he had a clear vision about married life before marriage; he was looking for a girl who should take care of his parents and look after house holds. But he got married with a working girl and she was not willing to leave her job. They started arguing each other and ended it in a divorce.

I asked him whether he discussed about his vision before marriage. I was told that he did not get time for that.

These types of marriages are common now, without proper understanding and discussions. But what are the necessary things we should discuss. I would like to put little light on that.

1)  Purpose of Marriage

Why should I get married now? Just because parents compel, looking for a companion for parents, looking for someone to look after household? Or there is no reason. Both boy and girl should discuss about it and understand the approach and decide whether to get into this relationship or not.

2)  Likes & dislikes

It is important to know each others’ likes and dislikes. In most of the love marriages likes are discussed so often, but dislikes are not touched. They only realize after marriage that both of them have some dislikes and may not be in a position to accept it and it can lead to create a gap in relationship. So discuss every likes & dislikes before marriage and decide.

3)  Our home

It is common that girl come to boy’s home after marriage. The day she enters there it becomes her house.  Normally, girl supposes to look after other family members other than her husband.  It is very important to have a discussion about it especially in the working class.

4)  Family Relationship

Both boy and girl live with their parents before marriage. The characteristics of parents will have impact on their character. So it is important to have discussion about parents and other family members, the way they interact with each other, the intensity of relationship. This will give a clear picture about the living culture of both girl and boy. Thus a decision can be taken whether the girl would be a fit to boy’s family and vice versa.

5)  Discuss Everything

It is important to discuss everything for a better and smooth married life and it will eradicate misunderstanding, which is the main reason for divorces in most cases. If you have something in your mind should be discussed, otherwise there is no other way to convey the same. There should be a custom that both husband and wife spend little time everyday for discussions. Both the boy and girl should know opinion of each other and decide to have such discussions. This practice can be introduced even before marriage by discussing things, disputes any.

6)  Personal

Every person in this universe will have at least one friend. Both boy and girl may have lot friends before marriage and it is common that boy keep his friendship intact while girl rarely get some chance to keep their friendships, because girl migrate to husband’s house. It is important to have a discussion about friendship, and most important that girl should discuss if she have some male friends. If she wish to meet her friends, or friends come to her home, these things should be discussed before marriage.

7)  Money Matters

I have seen in most of the families, husband spend money for everything, even in working class, wife normally give her salary to husband. It is important to discuss who should spend for what. For example, for house hold expenses wife can spend, some amount can be kept with her if she has some personal buys. This can be discussed and reach in a decision before marriage.

8)  Sex

Sex is most important for a happy and everlasting married life. One should discuss about views & approach before marriage.

9)  Children

There are lot of discussion happen after marriage that, ‘I need a boy child’ ‘no girl child’ ‘need only one’ ‘no, two’. Boy or girl can not be discussed since it can not be controlled by us. So a decision on how many children should have can be taken.

10)  Spiritual Matters

It is important to understand the spiritual believes, whether he/she is a deep follower or not. Suppose a girl or boy who visit church/temple regularly marry a girl/boy who does not have such habits lead to develop distrust. So discuss this matter and decide whether to engage in.

It may not be possible to discuss all the points and take a decision in this fast forward life. But one should keep these points and discuss which will add quality to relationship and will have an everlasting married life. All the best!

A reference was given in may article Why Divorce?

This is a published article in Malayalam (MyMatrimony Magazine of www.malayogamonline.com)

Image credit: www.indianmarriage.info